by Sue Caulfield
Today, I called in sick to work.
I don’t have a doctor’s note (although I could probably call my therapist to get one). I didn’t really give a concrete reason, just, “I’m not feeling too hot.” When my boss says, “It’s quiet here, don’t worry,” it should make me feel better.
Instead, I feel guilt. I feel shame. I feel weak. I feel useless.
I have tried to work on ignoring these feelings, tried to stick my finger in the dam to keep it from flooding. The problem is that I am not my best self when the dam starts to leak and these feelings find their way in. It’s more difficult to reach out and find help, because all of my energy is spent trying to hold it all together.
The last one – useless – is probably the most accurate descriptor. I am useless on these days. The only thing that I am really good at is staring at the bathroom floor and listening to the buzz.
Do you know what the buzz is? I think you might. If you have an anxiety disorder or have experienced a panic attack, you may know this buzz I am talking about. It’s this annoying sound? feeling? haze? that surrounds me in moments.
It’s this buzz that causes me to sit on my bathroom floor at 4:13 AM. It’s this buzz that commands me to focus on only one very difficult thing – breathing. It demands so much attention that it’s hard for my lungs to do their job.
If I told you that I called in sick because I had the buzz, what would you say?
Would you say, “What are you talking about? I don’t understand. You seem fine to me.”
Would you say, “Suck it up.”
Would you say, “I get it, even though I don’t fully understand it.”
Would you say, “I am here if you need something.”
Would you say nothing at all?
Today, I called in sick to work. My reason? The buzz has exhausted me. It’s still there, though maybe a little less loud than it was a few hours ago. It will be here, whether I can fully explain it or not. What I really need you to say is, “I trust that you are sick, please go home and rest.”