by Jessa Carpenter
Somewhere along the way, life gets complicated. When I look back at my early teens and the amount of anxiety I felt about my hair, boys, social events, grades, boys, my weight, and OMG BOYS, I laugh at how easy I unknowingly had it. Even in the years since then I have been incredibly lucky.
Last spring was the first time that I had to face my complications head on, and that was HARD. I was in my last semester of my #sagrad program and right smack dab in the middle of my job search when my little sister got really sick and quickly died. When I say smack dab, I mean it. I had to cancel a second interview at ACPA because of a phone call just one hour before it that my sister was in a coma. I had to cancel my volunteer shifts at NASPA because literally the day after my TPE interviews were over, she passed. All of the anxiety and stress that is associated with a nationwide job search, comprehensive exams, graduating, moving away from family and friends, and either selling or renting out our house immediately doubled with her illness, then tripled with her death. Here is what my brain looked like:
ImissJamie.WILLANYONEHIREME?!?omg what if someone hires me? Where will we live, when will we have to move, should we rent or sell, when would we have to list our house, what if it sells before we are ready to move, what do we do then?Ineedmymommy. My mom, is she ok?! She just lost her daughter. I’m an only child. OMGimanonlychild. I need to go to class. What is due? I forgot about that. WHAT IF I DON’T GRADUATE? I’m so hungry, I hope someone feeds me soon. icantfeedmyself. WILL ANYONE HIRE ME? why are people staring at me? thisissoweird thisissoweird thisissoweird ImissJamie.
The stress was too much. It was difficult for me to make even the most simple decisions for myself like what to eat or what to wear. Writing final research papers was close to impossible. I had a third interview for a job I really wanted the day after my sister’s services, sick as a dog, because I just couldn’t figure out if I would disqualify myself by trying to postpone (Protip: I should have postponed). Everyone around me had these sad eyes when they looked at me that made me want to either punch them or cry. One of the strangest things was that I brought Jamie up all of the time, in the most awkward of ways. “You like red? My dead sister had this red hat that she wore everywhere. It was hilarious.” I still do that sometimes but I am more used to the weird looks I get for it.
With all of these emotions piling up around me, there was only one option: to simplify things, all the things. I began to find a lot of hidden messages in my interactions with friends and in my favorite financial independence blog and I listened. Losing a 24-year-old sibling is the most awful thing. I never could have prepared for it, even if it was not so sudden. But I also could not have possibly imagined that this horrible thing would end up making my life a little better. Her death gave me the space and the permission to readjust my priorities, which has directly impacted my quality of life.
Now I focus on spending time with the people who enrich my life. My partner and I thought carefully about the life that we want to lead, and we are taking immediate steps to make that happen. We are getting rid of things and spending more time together. It’s a journey that I am still on, but as a result my life feels slower, more genuine, and my emotions (while not always positive) are less complicated. Feels are so much easier when the background noise is dimmed.
Life is short, way too short. You never know when the people you love will be taken from you. Readjust your priorities now, not later. And, perhaps more importantly, try to stop yourself if you start to judge when someone else’s priorities are different than yours. You never know what got them there.
Connect with Jessa on Twitter @jessacarpenter or read more about her experiences (and see some rad pictures)on her blog.
Originally posted at the Student Affairs Collective on May 22, 2014.