by Sarah Wilson Merriman
There is a fine line between efficiency and mania in my book. I want to think that all I do is efficient. The shakiness in my hands and feet tells me that it’s sometimes mania, though. My body literally cannot keep up with my brain. I spend my days exhausted and unable to sleep for longer than a few hours at a time. On the other end of the spectrum, I have been described as the melancholy to a colleague’s sunshine. It was said with kindness and truth, as I am often melancholy, but is this the image that I want projected of me?
As one might imagine, this impacts my work. I get a lot done, though I keep to myself most days, and I always question if it is my best work. If I didn’t have bipolar disorder, would I be a better employee? If I didn’t have general anxiety, would I be a better colleague? If I didn’t have OCD, would I perform better at my job? My therapist would like me to answer all of these questions with something along the lines of, “It doesn’t matter the diagnosis, and remember you are human.” Her point being that we all do the best we can in the moment, and we all make mistakes: none of us are superheroes.
And yet, I still want to be the superhero. I don’t know if this says more about me, my office or the general culture of higher education. Perhaps it’s just the mania talking (I’m pretty sure it’s not); perhaps it’s the fact that my office has been operating at about 75% capacity the entire time I’ve worked here, and we are expected to be a little superhuman (again, I’m pretty sure it’s not); or perhaps it’s the culture of superheroes we’ve developed in higher education. We can probably all name a ‘superhero,’, that person at the conferences who always packs rooms, is called to consult on a regular basis and gets paid to be a topic expert.
My point is not to say that these people aren’t extraordinary – most of them are – but when was the last time you stopped and considered that they were also human? What if the superhero lives with depression but no one knows? Are they any less of a superhero, and are they any less human?
Projects like The Committed Project help with the humanity of the profession: we get to see each other at our realest, rawest of selves, and doesn’t that make us all a little bit of a superhero? The willingness to share, to be seen, to break down barriers, these are all super powers in my book.
Sarah Wilson Merriman is the Associate Director for Administration in the College Housing Office at The University of Chicago. She earned a B.S. in Socio-Political Communications with an emphasis in Gender Studies from Missouri State University and a M.Ed. in Counseling Psychology from James Madison University. Her professional interests include housing administration, disability services, and sexual assault advocacy prevention & response. When not holding out as one of the last occupancy managers to defend still hand assigning students she enjoys yoga, painting, and meditating along Lake Michigan.