by Sara Ackerson
I take photographs to capture the moment, the memory, the crease in a person’s face, the sparkle in their eye. But more importantly, I take photographs so that I do not forget.
I typically refer to my memory as Swiss cheese-like. It has a lot of holes. Memories for me are triggered by smells, by sounds, by certain expressions. Without those triggers and my photographs, I’m not sure what I’d moments I’d hold dear.
A few questions tend to make me nervous. What were your teenage years like? What was your favorite childhood memory? Didn’t you do [x]? Why don’t you remember [x]?
It’s particularly difficult when others I’m with can remember a certain moment or experience of which I have absolutely no recollection. It’s just all…blank. I remember general emotions from different periods of my life more than I remember specific stories. My doctors say that this is all PTSD-related.. I’m a more complicated case because of my multiple traumas. So maybe it’s better that I don’t remember it all after all. My mother and I tend to blame it on the years of medication. But then I can’t remember if my memory was stronger prior to age 18, either.
What is more peculiar to me, though, is my ability to retain specific details about the students with whom I work. When I worked in the photo lab, I could remember customer names, and when I was a barista, I knew everyone’s drinks. So why can’t I remember things about myself? From ten years ago? Or even five years ago? Someone once asked me (in anger), “What if you don’t remember us?” He was afraid to do anything of meaning, to take any trips, to start a family because he feared I would forget them all. That hurts the most. What if I can’t remember happiness? What if I only retain the hurt?
So I take photographs. I write a lot. I document my life, so that I can look back and read my notes like they are a story, and I am the main character. I make an effort to write in happy times, in sad times, in all times. Because that is my roller-coaster life, and I want to remember it.
Sara Ackerson is an academic advisor who believes in storytelling, laughter, and the power of Springsteen. She is passionate about sharing her story and helping to break down the stigma of mental illness. She loves photography, her two Cavalier King Charles spaniels, being in the sun, and traveling. Connect with her on Twitter @sara_ackerson.